Dear Gabriel,I will tell you a story, it might be a long story and I hope you have enough time to listening what I am going to tell you. It is story about me and my life, I think you deserve to know it all.
I was born in a hard, dry-land village, it is named Gunungkidul, at Jogjakarta. I have 2 sister, we all 3 siblings and I am the oldest. My mother is a farmer and she has been doing the best she could to keep her daughters well and educated in a hard fight for years. My father used to be a bus driver in Jakarta. I don't know him well because he rarely come to visit us. Tough I spent my childhood near him before, but I think I don't remember lot of things about him. And we never have good time together, we seems never match about anything particular. I am my father big nightmare. I use to argue and fight him. I think this is because I have a certain closeness to my mother knowing her fight for her descents, while my father was having affair to another woman. My father is a fully jealous hard to handle and very emotionally unpredictable man. My parents always fight for everything. I guess now you know where I got my stubbornness DNA.
I always wanted to leave my home. After graduated from high school I commit to Jakarta releasing my self from suffer. Take my self into something that I dream of, to study with my own exes. I did everything from become a cashier to a blue scholar worker at a cloths factory and also a waitress. It is so hard to be lonely when you have big dreams in your mind, meanwhile you also have to take care of rebellious sisters, send your mother sum of money regularly each month to help her survive. On my way of struggling..I was arranged to meet you by God. At the beginning I was skeptic to your effort, I was working in a place that people assuming to be a place of nasty that every one on it should be easy to take. A lot of guesses thought that every one of us can be taking to sleep with. That's why I decided to leave you after have no clue about our distance relationship. I was crying imagining that you might laugh at me being so naive in a jungle of nasty whom can't banned herself from your negative intention like I usually do to other guesses that have similar effort like yours.
After you gone away, I stand for nearly 2 years being single. Until he came to my live. At the beginning he took a part as my best friend. He always becomes my turn when there is no single entrance or escape I found. He insist to stand by me. I never thought about it until he said that he wants to marry me. Firstly I refused to give my freedom away earlier. I still have a lot of things to do. But his effort too big to handle. He is so lovely person that my family couldn't say "no" word to his presence. He has helped us so much. My mother forced and convinced me that he is the best one I could get, after all we have such moral duty due to his kindness not to mention that I reached 27 years old already -a little too late to marry. But deep down I admit that he is so warm and full of understanding to my stubborn and rebel acts.
In December 2007 I married him. It was a simple ceremony which held in my hometown at Gunungkidul. He was orphan and his lives nothing different to mine. His father was killed on his traveling business and until now there were no clue about the killer. His mother died suffering cervical cancer. He was left by his oldest brother took care of his 2 younger siblings to marry a girl that have been impregnate by his brother him self. The marriage held few moths before their mother died not blessing the couple because she didn't agree to the girl his brother has chose.
But he care to me too much. He never allow me go anywhere without him besides me. I never could go with another friend without his presence, even if that person is my own best friend from I was little kid. I couldn't again doing my outdoor lonely adventures like I used to do. No more mountains, jungles, beaches. I lost my freedom, but this is the price. Sometimes I ask why he does this? He always smile and said that he wouldn't forgive himself in case something happened to me. or sometimes he just laugh making fun and say: "you're too priceless, I don't want you to be kidnapped", to this answer I just can remain in silence. But I know, he just want me to be his center of the world and surround his life just like he has roles in me. I always set him free, I never ask what time he will reach home after meeting his friends or doing something outside. I give him such huge understanding; not ever jealous to him hoping that he would do the same for me. But it seems useless. I just bury my sorrow deep down. There might be twice or three times I start a conversation about this sorrow, I want my freedom and go away from this marriage, but he always beg me not to leave him and the effort just ended with tears all over my eyes. I just couldn't hurt his heart. He is too kind and I just can't stand to his fragrantly. I feel like that I am the bad guy. And that is Crushing my heart.
He also succeed to reunite my family. He can act to be a role mode without be seen too much bossy. Because of him my father become a better parents now. My father changes way better. My mother and sisters also adore him so much. Tell me what can I do about it? I owe him too much that I think there is nothing I can give to pay off what he brings and done, not even my live. There would be nothing better than this, nor my freedom.
So, I think this is my destiny. I am gonna give up my hope, freedom and happiness. I am quite flattering with his devotion. As long as he is a loving and carrying me there is nothing I could ask more. To me, this marriage is a bond to my family happiness. And I am happy as long as he can secure my heart. And I realized now that this is the price of my priceless freedom. Well..I guess now I am a prisoner of my live, eh?
I had been thinking for several days now, I want you to know how happy and proud I am to find you save and succeed. Now you have everything in your hand, with all the choices. You know what, just only thinking of you and whispering your name turns my heart beat twice faster, but I know there is something wrong about this relation, it is a competition of different feeling, happy versus feeling guilty to his loyal and trust. And it's slices my feeling. I know, in your heart You saw me as a stupid person who gave up. But there are so much things that I took to this game. And I'm just too afraid.
So I have to made up my mind, I release you dearest one. You free to chose who ever you want to love except me. I now find my place. I am just a shadow of your past, forget me and starting over. I am just a barrier to you since we both are hardly separated by distance and fate.
Goodbye beloved one. I always love you and please don't doubt about that, Thus, don't want to hurt you more deep. Some says that love will always set you free. And now you are as free as a bird. Please forgive me.
Send me your wedding photograph someday, will you? I would like to know your bride. I'll bet she is beautiful. And I suppose she's also so lucky.
Love,
me
